The Road to Hell is Paved with Milles Bornes

I wanted to make it a very merry, non-electronic holiday season.  So we bought Thing 2 a bike, and, in a misguided attempt to foster closeness and bond as a family, I bought him some games we could play together in front of the faux electric fireplace on a cold winter's night.

It was a mistake.

The game was Milles Bornes, the card version of a game I used to play as a kid.  And like so many kids' games, the instructions are entirely incomprehensible.  Even for an intellectual - and an idiot savant - like me.

Here is an excerpt from the instructions:

• Green Go cards are very important.  Remember you can only play Distance cards when you have a Go card on top of your Drive Pile.
• Always follow a Remedy card with a Go card before you play any Distance cards!
• Play red Hazard cards on your opponents to stop them from playing Distance cards!  If someone plays a Hazard on you, fix it with its matching Remedy card.  ALWAYS follow a Remedy with a Go card to get moving again!  There are 5 types of Hazard cards.

And on and on and on.  And we hadn't even gotten to the part yet that tells me how to cheat, cut family time short and get back to my Martha Stewart Living magazine.

Thing 2 was staring at me expectantly, with that look that said, "If you don't hurry up and figure this out, I'm going to hack into your Facebook account and sign you up for Farmville."

So I did the only thing I could think of to keep peace in the house:  I sent him to the computer to surf for porn with his dad.  After all, a kid can bond with his dad as well as his mom, can't he?