Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Great Central Jersey Internet Abstinence Challenge

My name is Joan and I am an Internet addict. 

I stumble through the day weighted down by my frustratingly slow computer.  It's bonded to my hip like a vanishing twin who I will eventually reabsorb in utero.  This is extra challenging while dragging a 30-pound vacuum cleaner over 3 inches of cat hair.  (Fortunately the vacuuming part only happens once a year).

I check my Adsense account (my current source of income - $2.83 to date), blog stats and Facebook more times a day than I go to the bathroom (in other words, A LOT).

Given that I can do virtually ANYTHING on the computer (read, shop, listen to music, have cybersex, order groceries, trade stocks, communicate with my friends, watch movies), there is virtually no reason to seek out human interaction or to leave the  house. But even the cats have started to look at me strangely, implying that I need to exercise.....breath deeply....go to McDonalds. Yes....we....can.

So I have decided to launch the Great Central Jersey Internet Abstinence Challenge.  Turning myself over to a Higher Power, whatever form that Higher Power may take for me (I hope it arrives made out of chocolate and peanut butter, accompanied by an amusing Chardonnay), I will break my addiction once and for all.

Here are the rules:

  • I will refrain from surfing the Internet for one full day, from the time I go to bed tonight (Thursday) until 24 hours later.
  • "Abstinence" in Internet use is defined as:  no checking my blog stats, Adsense or Facebook accounts, no searching for resume-building alternatives to "bat shit crazy," "moronic fascist pig," and "They were all against me - Satan said so." And the like. 
  • The following exclusions apply:  
    • Checking my email (so as not to miss a fabulous new job in case anyone offers me one) and
    • Schoolwork, i.e. pilfering scholarly works from online databases.  I promise to not pretend that checking any of the abovementioned websites is essential to my research on "Pharmacological interventions for schizophrenia and other delusional psychotic disorders" (see "They were all against me -- Satan said so") above.
    • I also reserve the right to surf the Net if someone (especially a wealthy stranger) starts to choke and I need to access an instructional YouTube video demonstrating how to perform the Heimlich manuever.  This hardly ever happens, though.
I will DO this. I will face my fears and see you all at the other end!  Even if I chew off my arm in the attempt.

Hold me.  I'm scared.


  1. You know how an addict never likes to see a comrade in addiction recover? DON'T DO IT!

  2. Good luck! While you're gone, we'll be talking about your on Facebook.

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  4. Martha would throw herself into a frenzy of goat-milking, Thanksgiving cornucopia magic and mulching her wheatberries for the winter.

  5. OMG: Don't DO it, Joanie!

  6. I find it funny that the higher power is in the clouds, just like Internet-based computing.
    Hummmmmm.... It kinds makes you think!

  7. I'm just interested to see if Adsense is going to start pulling in ads about absorbed and vanishing twins.