Thursday, February 3, 2011

Dear Mark Zuckerberg

Dear Mark Zuckerberg:
I love you and your little invention and I'd like to bear your child.  (That might be kind of icky for you, but it could work out very well for me, what with liberal child support and all).

That said,  I'd like to suggest a few little tweaks to help Facebook improve the "user experience" for me and my merry band of friend-thieves.  I am also including some marketing tips. To wit:

  • Make it possible to conduct "branched" discussions.  So if Friend Laura makes a witty remark five posts up and my response is "WTF?" then Friend Julie, who posted just above me, doesn't need to wonder why I am responding so rudely to her "Have a nice day."
  • Enable multi-person chat.  I wonder why we can put a man on the moon, but we can't arrange for my mother, my sister and me to all chat simultaneously, rehashing that argument about the mango from 1975.
  • Improve your marketing.  You're just not getting the exposure you the Kardashians. Do you even have a mission statement?  Here's an idea: develop "Facebook Coffee" (regular, decaf or fair trade) and package it along with a Facebook mug.  I know that all my friends would place an order, given that we do a lot of our chatting in the morning, while ignoring our kids, our bosses and our personal hygiene.  It wouldn't cost you much to get started.  Go to  Trouble navigating the Internet?  I'll show you how.
  • Arrange for more appearances like your SNL gig with Sandburg and Eisenberg.  Getting more in tune with popular culture can only benefit you.
  • Shut down operations after 10 or so. So we can go to bed (not you and I, but the rest of us).
If you want to discuss any of these ideas in more detail, I'm available.  Just send me a friend request - or poke me.


  1. I still think you were wrong about the mango.

  2. Joan Oliver EmmerFebruary 03, 2011 6:40 AM

    Was not.

  3. Rosemary of JulieFebruary 03, 2011 8:11 AM

    ever seen the Cookie Monster's mission statement?
    "Get cookies. Eat cookies. Get more cookies."
    I've made it a way of life.

  4. OMG that's the best chuckle I've had in awhile. It takes some stones, I would imagine, to one-up the great Facebook god, and I believe you did it! I so agree on the multi-chat and the branched discussions. Hell I love it all. Gotta go make some more coffee. Fair trade, this time, I think.

  5. Well, thanks to Terri, you have a new stalker!

  6. Stalkers are always welcome! Nice to meet you ladies!

  7. I came after Teri's advice to check you out.....she's right, you ARE hilarious!

    Well done you!

  8. Hilarious - and I totally agree - shut that stuff off after 10 so we can all go to bed! (I'm here from Terri, too!)

  9. Ha! If he shut it off after ten, we'd have to...gasp! to our significant others!

    Nice to meet you express and two normal Moms!

  10. Hi J- great blog- I think those revisions for FB would be great- I have not seen the movie yet- happy to follow u from twitter to here! Ren

  11. thank you mark
    bec we can easily communicate to our love ones
    especially to those who far from us
    you are really smart