Dear Mark Zuckerberg

Dear Mark Zuckerberg:
I love you and your little invention and I'd like to bear your child.  (That might be kind of icky for you, but it could work out very well for me, what with liberal child support and all).

That said,  I'd like to suggest a few little tweaks to help Facebook improve the "user experience" for me and my merry band of friend-thieves.  I am also including some marketing tips. To wit:

• Make it possible to conduct "branched" discussions.  So if Friend Laura makes a witty remark five posts up and my response is "WTF?" then Friend Julie, who posted just above me, doesn't need to wonder why I am responding so rudely to her "Have a nice day."
• Enable multi-person chat.  I wonder why we can put a man on the moon, but we can't arrange for my mother, my sister and me to all chat simultaneously, rehashing that argument about the mango from 1975.
• Improve your marketing.  You're just not getting the exposure you deserve...like the Kardashians. Do you even have a mission statement?  Here's an idea: develop "Facebook Coffee" (regular, decaf or fair trade) and package it along with a Facebook mug.  I know that all my friends would place an order, given that we do a lot of our chatting in the morning, while ignoring our kids, our bosses and our personal hygiene.  It wouldn't cost you much to get started.  Go to cafepress.com.  Trouble navigating the Internet?  I'll show you how.
• Arrange for more appearances like your SNL gig with Sandburg and Eisenberg.  Getting more in tune with popular culture can only benefit you.
• Shut down operations after 10 or so. So we can go to bed (not you and I, but the rest of us).

If you want to discuss any of these ideas in more detail, I'm available.  Just send me a friend request - or poke me.