D is for Dentist

After a total of 29 years of parenting, during which neither Thing 1 nor Thing 2 ever had a bad dental appointment, I didn't think that kids could even get cavities anymore.  With fluoridated water, vitamins with fluoride and all kinds of special gunk that the dentist paints on their molars, I thought that kids' teeth were as safe from decay as I am from being mistaken for Halle Berry on the street.

But that changed with Thing 2's latest appointment when the dentist found two cavities.  She delivered this news almost apologetically, explaining that the teeth that were decayed had a genetic vulnerability, and the cavities weren't the result of my feeding Thing 2 donuts, coke and bubble gum for breakfast every morning, as is my wont.

This was a pediatric dentist, mind you, which ressembles a "regular" dentist's office as much as, well, as much as I ressemble Halle Berry.  With Guitar Hero and a variety of other videogames in the waiting room, a television above every chair, painted clouds on the ceiling, a myriad of toothpaste flavor choices, stickers, prizes - everything but a live performance of  JackAss - PLUS Thing 2 got to miss an hour and a half of school - this experience was a far cry from a visit to the dentist of my youth  (at which said dentist approached me with a 10-inch needle, peered lecherously into my face and barked that it was ALL MY FAULT that I had ten cavities).

So Thing 2 even got to choose the flavor of his laughing gas (he chose mint) and since we're returning to fill a second cavity next week, the dental assistant handed me the nose "bulb" through which it was administered in a plastic bag to take home and bring back at our next visit.  It still has some traces of nitrous oxide in it, I know, because we passed it around during Family Game Night, each of us took a toke sniff and Battleship and Life were funnier and more engaging than they had ever been.  The Doritos tasted mighty fine too.

My Synchronous Hamster

On Monday nights, as part of an online course I'm taking, I participate in what is called a "synchronous session."  It means that the teacher and the class go online at the same time.  She lectures via a video link, and we (the students) interact in a chat box.

What's really great about this set up is that I can attend class without leaving my own home.  Heck, I can attend class without leaving my own bed.  Considering that between Thing 2, the cats and the mangos, there's always a lot of chaos on Planet Emmer, sometimes I take my computer and hide in the guest room.

The guest room is also my sewing room and the hamster's room (and if I take a glass of wine in there, it's the Speakeasy).  And sometimes, while the teacher is lecturing, I take the hamster out of her cage and play with her.  (Given the anonymity of the online class format, I could even do this naked, but I don't, out of fear of freaking out the hamster).

When I let the hamster out of her cage, I have to be careful that she doesn't get away from me.  Because if she did, and the cats got at her, we would have what I call a "Bad Scene."

But that's just a digression.  I just wanted to say how much I love my online class because it's such an efficient use of time - I can play with the hamster, drink, sew, lie in bed - and still get an education.

I looked for a quote to end this post that would tie together hamsters and online education but surprisingly I couldn't find one.  So instead I'll end with another excellent quote about the English language from another hamster spinning on a wheel!

<<'Refudiate,' 'misunderestimate,' 'wee-wee'd up.' English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!>> - Sarah Palin, July 18, 2010

Don't misunderestimate the power of your weekend!  Have a great one!  :)

Poetry Thursday

The autumnal colors in my East Coast neighborhood (I.can't reveal exactly where, because this blog has made me the target of stalkers....and not the good kind) are splendiferous.

In fact, they so inspired me while taking out the garbage this a.m. that I decided to write a poem about the season, expressing my feelings and my hopes for the future and for mankind.  I hope you enjoy it.









Oh splendiferous leaves in my East Coast neighborhood whose location I cannot reveal
Whispering of the end of summer in green, red, gold, orange and plum
How I wish I could freeze this moment in time
And pull it out to feast my eyes upon when the weather is cold and gloomy
Would that I had a big ole can of Aqua Net hairspray
I would cover you with heavy mist and freeze you in your natural splendor
Like all the ladies with the blue hair at the beauty parlor
Forever

Oh splendiferous leaves in my East Coast neighborhood whose location I cannot reveal
Fall...fall softly and spread your splendor on the cooling ground
But, please, try to avoid the gutters on the house
Because my DH gets really angry when he has to get up on the ladder
And clean them out
Especially when he falls off and onto the spikey decorative pink flamingo ornaments
Again

Stay beautiful, oh splendiferous leaves.
You give me strength
You give me hope
You give me lots of ideas for creative autumnal crafts
And that, according to Martha Stewart, is a Good Thing.

The Master of My Domain

Thing 2 Triumphant!  Source:  Joan Oliver Emmer

As many of you know, I'm not much of a shopper.  Except for garage sales and thrift shops - which I adore - I tend to have anxiety attacks in shopping situations.  My sister isn't a shopper either, which leaves our mother, who loves a jaunt through the mall, shaking her head and trying to figure out how she managed to raise two girls who lack the retail gene.  Never mind the college and graduate degrees, the beautiful grandchildren, the stable marriages, the careers (in the case of my journalist-sister anyway) -- these girls don't like to SHOP.

But this morning I went shopping for an item I've never searched for before and it was a lot of fun!

I bought myself a domain name.

I'm not sure what I will do with it - but when I saw it on the godaddy.com shelf, I knew I HAD to have:

                                          joanoliveremmer.com

Surprisingly, it was "in stock" and I'm hoping that, unlike most purchases, it will increase in value as time passes.   (Or maybe it's more like a car, and lose 20% of its value as soon as I drive it away from godaddy.com).

By the way, domain names make great stocker stuffers and I hear that joanoliveremmer.com is this year's "Tickle Me Elmo.".  If you absolutely must have one, let's talk six figures and call it a deal.

A Conversation with Thing 1

Several years ago I started a Delphi forum/discussion group called Eats and Grunts. It was a spectacular failure, because, I guess, no other parent in the English-speaking world has a non-communicative teenager with a tapeworm ... or at least those who do don't want to discuss this state of affairs with strangers.

I want to share a recent telephone conversation I had with Thing 1 to illustrate how difficult it can be to communicate with our teenagers. He's away at college, and, as far as I can tell, he's doing great (although to the best of my knowledge, the only collegiate activities in which he participates are watching movies and napping).

Thing 1: Hi Mom.

Me (delighted to hear Thing 1's voice): Hi!!!! How are you?

Thing 1: Grunt, UHNNFF, sushi, MMMPPPHHHH, grunt, ball bearings.

Me: Huh? Say it again, honey, please.

Thing 1: KERFLUFFLE, ptomaine, HEYYYUHHHH, bail, grunt, circus midgets.

Me (nervous giggle): We must have a bad connection. I thought you said something about ptomaine poisoning and the circus? And......bail????

Thing 1: EEEYYAHHHH! HRRUUURRRR - ONTO EVERYTHING! - worry...DWAT. Specialist.

Me (getting alarmed): I'm on my way. Hang on. Mommy's coming!

I slammed down the phone, hell bent on getting to Harvard (LOL - you didn't fall for THAT one, did you?) before nightfall to save the day. Then, my better judgement overtaking me, I remembered that the most precious gift we can give our children to foster independence is roots and wings.

And he was just going to have to "wing" this one. DWAT!

Report from the Trenches : The Great Central Jersey Internet Abstinence Challenge

Surfing the World Wide Web - not.

I’m b-a-a-a-c-c-c-k-k-k-k.

I wanted to report back from THE DAY I STAYED OFF THE INTERNET that the sun shone brighter, the birds chirped louder, my food tasted better, Lindsay Lohan disappeared forever and that, having stepped off the Information Superhighway, I found God.

But instead, I found a dead mouse at the bottom of the stairs, a pile of cat-hairball-mess on the kitchen floor and a missing earring I had been looking for for just about forever. I’m kind of angry about the mouse, because it’s the second deceased one we’ve found in the “living quarters” (as opposed to the basement) in two days and I don’t like the pattern I see emerging.

But, as my sister would say, “it’s good to have cats.”

So, I know you’re just about bursting with questions about my day free from the clutches of the Net. Let me try to anticipate some of them right now and save you a few keystrokes:

Did you really stay off the Internet for a whole day?

Yes…and no. The fine print (which I wrote myself) gave me the option of checking email (which I did) and accessing sites that I needed for schoolwork, which I also did (in a limited manner, because I don’t much like doing homework).

By the way, “fine print” is a very important concept in life... and in marriage. Whenever I object to doing something that my DH suggests and that I don't want to do, he reminds me to check the “fine print” in our ketubah (Jewish marriage contract). It’s a very convenient “out” for him, because the ketubah is written in Hebrew and I can’t get past the “Blessed art thou” part.

What was it like?

What was it like? Well, the earth moved, my entire world rocked….

Oh, that's probably not what you were referring to.

It was pretty much like a normal day, except that I smoked two packs of cigarettes, drank my way through  Thing 2’s DH’s secret liquor stash and plucked out my eyebrows one hair at a time.

That sounds pretty much like a normal day for you under any circumstances, doesn’t it?

No.  I NEVER drink and pluck on the same day.

What did you miss the most about surfing the Net?

Nothing. Okay, let me be a little more specific: Everything. To me, screensucking (Screensucking -- snarky definition) is hugely more amusing than cleaning, filling out insurance claim forms or the other household chores that I am tasked with to prove that I am a CONTRIBUTING MEMBER OF THIS HOUSEHOLD and not just a burden on society and an embarrassment to the noble Oliver-Emmer name. (Note bene:  for 22 years I was simply Joan Emmer, but when I took on my "breakout" role in the blogosphere, I reverted to Joan Oliver Emmer, much like Hilary became Rodham Clinton as soon as she moved to Chappequa and started to wear pant suits).

Did you encounter any particular problems?

Yes! I decided to bake a challah to go along with our Shabbat meal of linguine and shrimp scampi (yes, you read that right), but I couldn't find my challah recipe.  I started to Google "challah," only to remember the special restrictions of the day just in the nick of time.  I  reviewed my limited options: drive to the library to research a "bricks and mortar" challah recipe (ironically, this is how my homemade challot often taste) or forego the challah and say a little HaMotzi over three month old Triskets.  Guess which option I chose?


Would you do it again?


Definitely! A new experience like the one I had is infinitely broadening  and an excellent example for my children, who never "unplug" unless they're in the shower (and then only if we're out of plastic bags.).  I just might designate one or two days a week “Internet free” days and enjoy the solitude when they all flee to Starbucks or the Apple Store for their fix. 

Fine -- more bandwidth for me.

Notice

This page intentionally left blank so that our staff can observe the Great Central Jersey Internet Abstinence challenge on Friday, October 22, 2010.

We will resume our regular programming on Monday, October 25, 2010.

Be careful out there.